God is full of grace! And patience! I am blessed that He loves me, despite my lack of trust in Him, bad decisions, and constant struggles. In the last few months He has used different people and situations to teach me things. Thought I'd share a few of them with you:
Susan, who I have been seeing for counseling, has encouraged me saying that I have made progress in how I am thinking about myself and situations that I face. I like an analogy that she used one day when she said: You are standing in a hallway. You have closed the door. Now there are all these different doors in the hallway that you are looking at, and you just have to choose which one to go through next! But...before you can do that...you need to let go of the handle of the door you have just closed! This is a constant struggle for me: LETTING GO. Still haven't figured this one out. I keep giving things to God...and then taking them back. As if He couldn't handle them better than me :) I know these things, but don't know how to put them into practice. Annoying!
Thomas, a friend of mine who is a captain for us, has been on a leave of absence so he could go flying in the Caribbean. Tough life! ;) Shortly after he returned to California, we got a chance to catch up. He listened while I shared some of the struggles I have been going through. He asked why I didn't want to let go...and I said because I don't believe there is anything better for me. I believe better exists, but not for me. (Something we've been working on in the counseling.) He said this was a great time to work on me...to be selfish...to do things I want to do...and to become who God wants me to be, most importantly. On the topic of settling...We had lunch, and he cleared everything off the table, except for his glass of water that he'd been drinking. He asked if I wanted to drink it...I said no. He said, why not? It's there. It's dirty, but how thirsty are you? I might've peed in it, but it won't kill you. It might not taste great...but drink it if you're thirsty. Or...if you wait, the waitress will bring you some clean water. But this is here right now if you're thirsty. He really challenged me! And got me thinking about things I already know, but in a different way. Why don't I want to wait for God's best? And if that is to be without a relationship, that should be ok.
One more thing for now, and this is really simple. God is teaching me things through my dogs. :) I always thought it would be cool to have kids, one of the reasons being so that I could understand God's love for me. But lately I've been thinking about some things with my dogs. Kinda funny, but bear with me! So at the single's group at church last week, the leader was talking about prayer, and how we approach God. He gave the example of his dog...When he calls his dog, he comes eagerly but with respect, because he knows who feeds him, loves him, and looks after him. When I come home from a trip, my dogs run to the door to greet me and are so happy and waggy to see me. :) And I am thrilled to see them! I find joy in them coming to say hi to me (and wonder what the heck they're so distracted by when they don't!!!), and I love to give them belly rubs or scratch their ears because I know they like it. I like playing with them and cuddling with them. And even when Bogey knocks over the trash, I'm not too happy with him, but I don't love him any less. So that got me thinking...if I feel this way about my dogs...how much more must God love me? I know this in my head, totally! But I don't internalize it. How different would I, would we all act, if we REALLY knew how crazy God is about us?
I remember one night Kevin and I were together, and he looked at me and said, you make Him smile Rach. God wants you to know that you make Him smile. You know how sometimes I make you feel giddy? Multiply that by a thousand times, and that's how God feels about you!
I am slowly beginning to realize and internalize how God feels about me...that I am His daughter...that He alone makes me complete...that He loves me passionately, and He is the author of love! And that should be enough.
Zephaniah 3:17 says, "The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."
