Lessons & Blessings

God is full of grace! And patience! I am blessed that He loves me, despite my lack of trust in Him, bad decisions, and constant struggles. In the last few months He has used different people and situations to teach me things. Thought I'd share a few of them with you:

Susan, who I have been seeing for counseling, has encouraged me saying that I have made progress in how I am thinking about myself and situations that I face. I like an analogy that she used one day when she said: You are standing in a hallway. You have closed the door. Now there are all these different doors in the hallway that you are looking at, and you just have to choose which one to go through next! But...before you can do that...you need to let go of the handle of the door you have just closed! This is a constant struggle for me: LETTING GO. Still haven't figured this one out. I keep giving things to God...and then taking them back. As if He couldn't handle them better than me :) I know these things, but don't know how to put them into practice. Annoying!

Thomas, a friend of mine who is a captain for us, has been on a leave of absence so he could go flying in the Caribbean. Tough life! ;) Shortly after he returned to California, we got a chance to catch up. He listened while I shared some of the struggles I have been going through. He asked why I didn't want to let go...and I said because I don't believe there is anything better for me. I believe better exists, but not for me. (Something we've been working on in the counseling.) He said this was a great time to work on me...to be selfish...to do things I want to do...and to become who God wants me to be, most importantly. On the topic of settling...We had lunch, and he cleared everything off the table, except for his glass of water that he'd been drinking. He asked if I wanted to drink it...I said no. He said, why not? It's there. It's dirty, but how thirsty are you? I might've peed in it, but it won't kill you. It might not taste great...but drink it if you're thirsty. Or...if you wait, the waitress will bring you some clean water. But this is here right now if you're thirsty. He really challenged me! And got me thinking about things I already know, but in a different way. Why don't I want to wait for God's best? And if that is to be without a relationship, that should be ok.

One more thing for now, and this is really simple. God is teaching me things through my dogs. :) I always thought it would be cool to have kids, one of the reasons being so that I could understand God's love for me. But lately I've been thinking about some things with my dogs. Kinda funny, but bear with me! So at the single's group at church last week, the leader was talking about prayer, and how we approach God. He gave the example of his dog...When he calls his dog, he comes eagerly but with respect, because he knows who feeds him, loves him, and looks after him. When I come home from a trip, my dogs run to the door to greet me and are so happy and waggy to see me. :) And I am thrilled to see them! I find joy in them coming to say hi to me (and wonder what the heck they're so distracted by when they don't!!!), and I love to give them belly rubs or scratch their ears because I know they like it. I like playing with them and cuddling with them. And even when Bogey knocks over the trash, I'm not too happy with him, but I don't love him any less. So that got me thinking...if I feel this way about my dogs...how much more must God love me? I know this in my head, totally! But I don't internalize it. How different would I, would we all act, if we REALLY knew how crazy God is about us?

I remember one night Kevin and I were together, and he looked at me and said, you make Him smile Rach. God wants you to know that you make Him smile. You know how sometimes I make you feel giddy? Multiply that by a thousand times, and that's how God feels about you!

I am slowly beginning to realize and internalize how God feels about me...that I am His daughter...that He alone makes me complete...that He loves me passionately, and He is the author of love! And that should be enough.

Zephaniah 3:17 says, "The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."

Struggles

It's been awhile. I don't like writing on here when things are tough. Even though they are a part of life, who wants to hear about struggles? Actually, I have started to write posts on here a couple of times but can never finish them. You don't want to hear me bitch, complain, and moan do you? At least my dad doesn't. ;-) Didn't think you would either.

That said, I'm going to try to put this out in the open....Like my friend Jason said, maybe it will help to process things. The main struggle for me in the last few months has been dealing with my relationship with Kevin. I cared for him so deeply; I still do....but because of lots of different reasons, he doesn't speak to me anymore. He started pushing me away shortly after my first trip to Australia in the middle of last year. This was really difficult, because throughout our relationship I had been trying to show him something different....to love him through his insecurities....to stick things out. I tried to hold onto him, but couldn't.

Kevin had given me a simple diamond ring in August. I had never been given anything like it. Being with him, I started to think that maybe I could actually spend my life with another person...someone I could be together with through all of life's ups and downs. My only relationship before Kevin was my last year of high school & first year of college. It was a two year relationship that ended with the line, "Rachael...I don't think God wants us to get married, so we shouldn't continue this relationship." That was it. Over it in two weeks. But this one.....

We were together for about six months. There was no official end to it; one of the reasons I am having a difficult time getting over it. The most that happened was a text I received from Kevin at 2am one night in October that said, "I'd like to have my ring back.....thanks." He didn't say why. I asked when he wanted it. "tmrw." When I didn't hear from him again, I sent it to him via Fed-Ex, cried for days, and started going to counseling. I received the text exactly a week after he had called me telling me that he loved me, was going through some things he had to deal with on his own, but I was the only one who really knew him and the only one he really trusted. Now, about four months later, I am still not over it. I haven't moved on. I still miss him every day. Oh yeah, and I'm still going to counseling. =)

Why can't I get over it? Why do I think about him all the time? I dream about him. I wonder how he is doing. I wonder if he thinks I gave up on him, like so many important people in his life have. I wonder if he is ok. I pray for him all the time, and hope that he will learn to completely lean on the strength of Christ. I never thought I could "save" him or change him, but have always prayed for him, that God would completely heal his hurt and the pain he has experienced.

A lot of the time I wonder what is wrong with me. Pilots I have worked with have told me that I'm a catch, that I have a lot to offer, that's I'm beautiful, sweet, friendly....I have tried to pray and wait for the one I hope God has for me. Before I met Kevin, I told my mom that I could trust God in every other part of my life, but not to provide a life partner for me. Even though we had plenty of struggles, with Kevin I actually felt loved sometimes. For so long, I have felt so unloveable. Don't get me wrong, I am so blessed with my family and lots of amazing, supportive friends that I know love me dearly. But why can't a man love me? One night Kevin told me that I was so loveable....that he wished that I could see it. Then he told me that I made God smile. Can you imagine that? I can't imagine God actually delighting in me. Especially after this.

Every day I cry out to God to rescue me...to help me stop missing Kevin...to help me let go. I wish I could let go.

You know what though? I am blessed. I have a job that I LOVE. (Hey, I have a job!) I have lots of people who love me. Thanks to all of you who are such a big encouragement to me. I gotta get ready for work now....

Till next time....

Life Happens

I know....I haven't written for quite awhile. I do have lots to write about. The 10 year reunion. The trip where I had an NBA player as a passenger one day, and worked the polyester to score 3rd row, center stage seats plus backstage passes to Chris Rock's comedy show in Vancouver the next. My trips to Vegas and Hawaii....

Here's the deal. I want to write about things when I'm feeling positive and upbeat, feeling good about life. But I haven't been. If you've talked to me at all in the last couple months, you know that. I have been struggling. I am struggling. Ok....so who isn't? That's life. It happens.

So what do you do when you care for someone so deeply? You love them and want the best for them. Their burdens become your burdens....not because they have placed them on you, but because you have a soft spot in your heart for them. You pray and pray and ask God to bless them every day. Ok, and by "you" of course I mean me, and "them" is really him.

We have experienced so much together....Many ups and downs. We have opened up to each other in ways that have been unique to each of us. It has been amazing and wonderful and a boatload of emotions and experiences that I can't even explain....At the same time it has been so painful.

How do you love someone and let them go at the same time? How do you give them the space they need, but also be there for them?

I know what you're thinking, and if you haven't told me yourself, I'm sure I've heard it before. I have been given more advice than I know what to do with, and you know what? In the end, I'm going to do what I have to, and it will be up to me. You can tell me he's not worth it. He doesn't deserve me. I deserve better. Don't waste my time with him. Etc., etc., etc. I still love him. I care for him so much.

I don't know what to do with it. Just pray. Even when I have lost hope, I still pray....I told him this week, that God knows what we want and need, and He wants the best for us all the time. I need to believe it for myself as well.

I know all the right answers. You probably do too. If only we could all put them into practice.

Thanks for your patience with me....
Til next time....

Line = a Life!

Since I got my transfer to Fresno my quality of life has been soooo much better. I am not at the mercy of Crew Support....no more two hour leash! I have my schedule for the entire month, and have the freedom and flexibility to adjust my schedule - drop, pick-up, and exchange trips. It's great! I did a lot of flying on the Brasilia, our turbo-prop, in July. My first trip was over my b'day, and I flew with two awesome guys - Thomas and Charles. Thomas found out it was my b'day, and then relayed that information to all of our passengers on every flight! A little embarassing at first, but he made me feel like a million bucks.... "We hope you're having a great day already, but your day just got even better because you have Rachael as your flight attendant..." or, "The temperature in Bakersfield in a nice cool 94 degrees....Even cooler is your flight attendant. Her name's Rachael. She's from Papua New Guinea, and she's 28 years old today..." I'm sure he does it for all the flight attendants he works with, but it was just a nice esteem booster for every flight. =) We spent the night in Medford, and the guys took me out when we got in...

For a little variety in my life, I picked up a trip on the jet with two LA overnights, as well as a round trip to DFW with one of my favorite pilots, Juan.

Good stuff. This month I only ended up doing one FAT (Fresno) trip, and the rest I picked up out of different domiciles. Since I have to commute anyway (commute for airline crew = fly), it doesn't really matter where I commute to, so a little variety is nice, as we mostly fly the turbo-prop out of Fresno. After that first trip, I had 10 days off and had my 10 year high school reunion! We decided to have it in the LA area, since we're all over the place we thought LA would be easy enough for everyone to get to, and there would be lots to do....It was AWESOME....More about that later. =) The reunion needs its own post!

My next trip was a 4 day that I picked up out of Chicago. I liked the overnights, and I had flown with one of the pilots when I was based in Tucson and knew he was a lot of fun to work with. His wife was the Captain on the trip! She was great too. Getting to Chicago was a headache, but God is good and got me there....and back home afterwards! =) Our first night was in Denver, and Crystal, one of my roomies from college came and met up with me at the hotel. We caught up over some lattes from Starbucks for a couple hours before I had to go to bed. The second night we were in Minneapolis, so I got to see Rueben and Megan Tulia again, as well as Rueben's sister Wendie, who lives with them. Rueben is from PNG, and he and Megan got together when we were in 10th grade. They got married five years ago, and have two GORGEOUS daughters. I had just seen them at our reunion, but it was good to be able to see their house and their girls, even though they were sleeping by the time I got in. The last night we went to Austin, and I got to go out with Aisha, a friend from my flight attendant training. I hadn't seen her for more than a year, so again, great to catch up!


I was exhausted by the time I got back from that trip....Not much sleep during the reunion, or the few days afterwards, then the early starts every day for the Chicago trip caught up on me. I came home and crashed, and finally got some good rest! My next trip was one I'd picked up out of Salt Lake City....That was awesome!!! But instead of starting to write about it now, I'm going to post this one and save that for next time....I'm waaaay behind on this stuff, and there's so much to write about! So till then....

=)

Feeling BLESSED in Australia

Yep, blessed is the word. After Dad left me to go to Cairns, I spent the rest of my time hanging out with friends. I stayed with Peter, whose family I lived with in high school. He always takes care of me. =) When I called him to see if he'd be around when I was planning to come to Brisbane, he said, "Yeah, I'll be here, you gonna stay with me?" Ah Peter. Gotta love him. He is a great friend. One of those people that you can go without talking to for ages, then when you see them again, you can talk like you just hung out yesterday.


On Friday night Peter and I went up to Mt. Coot-tha and met up with a bunch of people that used to live in PNG, that we went to high school with at one time or another....One couple lives in New Zealand, and just happened to be visiting Brisbane the week that I was there....


Saturday morning, Giok came by!! Giok's family lived in Port Moresby when we did, and we all went to primary school together....He's another one of those "little" brothers to me. =)


Saturday night, we met up with a bunch of friends for a night out! Brisbane has to be one of my favorite places to go out....I love that city.


On Sunday, Peter and I decided to go into the city and walk around. One thing I love about Brisbane is the diversity there. That, and even though it's a big city, it doesn't feel huge like Sydney always does to me. You can easily run into people that you know while you're out....That happened to Peter and I a couple times that day. We met up with Jason, and while the three of us were just walking through the mall area, Peter was attacked....by Michael! Michael and his brother, Charlie went to high school with us in PNG. They were just back for their sister's high school graduation, and their flight to Brisbane had been late so they missed their flight to LA and had to stay a night in Australia. It was so random to run into them!


We decided to meet up with the guys later that night for dinner. As we were talking through the city trying to find a place to eat, Peter was attacked again....by Deni! He lives in New Zealand, but happened to be in Brisbane for a week and a half visiting his girlfriend....and again, we just happened to run into them. I love it. We all ended up hanging out for the rest of the evening.


Peter had to go back to work Monday. That night, a bunch of the PNG athletes flew back in to Brisbane from being gone to the Oceania Athletic Championships in Saipan, Northern Marianas. I spent the rest of the week hanging out with them....A few of them are training for the Olympics this year in Beijing. So exciting!


Mowen (left) is training in the 400m hurdles....Beijing will be the third Olympic games he competes in. We first met him when he was training in California for the Athens Olympics. Salo (right) became one of my best friends in PNG when I was teaching there. She was given an athletic scholarship to train overseas and has almost cut her time down enough in the 800m to compete in the Olympics. The highlight of seeing the PNG athletes was especially being able to see these two. =)

As it always seems to when you're having a wonderful time, my week and a half in Australia ended quickly....I'm never ready to leave Brisbane. So many friends there, and I love the atmosphere. As I was leaving, Mowen said to me, "With your job, we know you'll be back anytime..." Definitely!

I realized while I was there, how blessed I am to have to many amazing people in my life. None of my encounters with friends there were shallow....we really caught up, had good talks, about the good things happening and the struggles....I cherish those kind of relationships.

I loved being back in that part of the world, and of course I can't wait to go back!!!

Next stop, the Land Down Under

The day Kevin and I left Denver, I found out my schedule for July....Did I mention I finally got transferred to Fresno? =) So that means I'm finally off reserve!!! I have all of my trips for next month scheduled already, and can actually have a life now. Woohoo! Anyway, I had the first 5 days of July off....I already had scheduled the 24th through 27th of June off....3 days in between those sets of days off got me thinking. I requested vacation for my last 3 days on call, and was granted it straight away....That meant 12 days off in a row!!! So where else would I go with that much time off? Ok you're right, I'd go to PNG if I had some money, or if I had benefits on an airline that flies there. The next closest thing? Australia. =) Yeah baby!

Flying over Sydney

All jobs have their perks, right? Come on, you know yours does... =) Well, one that I get is to fly for free, even international. My parents, husband, and kids can all fly for free....So that means only my parents and I have flight benefits (yeah, get in line for the husband thing!) ;-) When I found out about all my time off, I told Dad that we had to go to Australia....He agreed (that was a tough one right Dad?) and we left for Sydney the night of June 23rd. We got to sit in First Class!! Woohoooo!


I love these maps that tell you where you are the whole time....SO EXCITING to be back in that part of the world! But tough to be so close to PNG and not go up there as well.


We arrived in Sydney on the morning of the 25th and hung out there for a few hours until our flight to Brisbane around noon....


Aunty Nancy Early picked us up and took us back to their place. =) We felt great, since we had actually slept on the plane!! We had a fabulous time catching up with the Earley's. That night after he finished work, Peter picked me up and we went back to his place. On Thursday morning Dad and I took a train to the Gold Coast, where we met up with Grahame Kent, a long time friend from PNG. We had breakfast and then got to catch up with Geoff!! =) Dad and Grahame went to play golf, and Geoff took me back to his place so I could meet his lovely wife, Laura. Geoff and Laura are youth workers at their church....Geoff also has an awesome blog....if you want to check it out, click on the link "snooky" on the right hand side of this page. =) Definitely a good read!


That night we went back to the Kent's and had an amazing, delicious steak dinner and more fun catching up!


Friday morning we took the train back to Brisbane and hung out....Dad had coffee with Aunty Nancy while I got to hang out with Marianne and go for a bus ride. YAY!!!


That evening, Dad and I went into the city and met up with Joycelin and her two boys for dinner....SO FUN seeing all of these people!!! The best part of taking a trip for a short time is that since you're not there for long, even if people have things going on, they make time for you.


That night I started calling Dad "Moneybags," because he decided to fly up to Cairns to see his buddy, Peter Pena. It was expensive to fly up there just for a couple days, but definitely worth it for Dad! I decided to stay in Brisbane, because the weekend is when I knew I'd be able to see most of my friends, who work during the week. So from the city, Dad took the train to the airport, and I took the train to the station near Peter's place. And then the weekend adventures began.... =) More to come....!

Old and New Places

More adventures with my travel buddy....We went to Chicago in May....it was still chilly!!

An unplanned last minute trip to New York City at the end of the month....

And Denver for a couple days in June....

We got to meet up with Crystal!!! One of my roommates from college....

Next stop? The Land Down Under!!!