Struggles

It's been awhile. I don't like writing on here when things are tough. Even though they are a part of life, who wants to hear about struggles? Actually, I have started to write posts on here a couple of times but can never finish them. You don't want to hear me bitch, complain, and moan do you? At least my dad doesn't. ;-) Didn't think you would either.

That said, I'm going to try to put this out in the open....Like my friend Jason said, maybe it will help to process things. The main struggle for me in the last few months has been dealing with my relationship with Kevin. I cared for him so deeply; I still do....but because of lots of different reasons, he doesn't speak to me anymore. He started pushing me away shortly after my first trip to Australia in the middle of last year. This was really difficult, because throughout our relationship I had been trying to show him something different....to love him through his insecurities....to stick things out. I tried to hold onto him, but couldn't.

Kevin had given me a simple diamond ring in August. I had never been given anything like it. Being with him, I started to think that maybe I could actually spend my life with another person...someone I could be together with through all of life's ups and downs. My only relationship before Kevin was my last year of high school & first year of college. It was a two year relationship that ended with the line, "Rachael...I don't think God wants us to get married, so we shouldn't continue this relationship." That was it. Over it in two weeks. But this one.....

We were together for about six months. There was no official end to it; one of the reasons I am having a difficult time getting over it. The most that happened was a text I received from Kevin at 2am one night in October that said, "I'd like to have my ring back.....thanks." He didn't say why. I asked when he wanted it. "tmrw." When I didn't hear from him again, I sent it to him via Fed-Ex, cried for days, and started going to counseling. I received the text exactly a week after he had called me telling me that he loved me, was going through some things he had to deal with on his own, but I was the only one who really knew him and the only one he really trusted. Now, about four months later, I am still not over it. I haven't moved on. I still miss him every day. Oh yeah, and I'm still going to counseling. =)

Why can't I get over it? Why do I think about him all the time? I dream about him. I wonder how he is doing. I wonder if he thinks I gave up on him, like so many important people in his life have. I wonder if he is ok. I pray for him all the time, and hope that he will learn to completely lean on the strength of Christ. I never thought I could "save" him or change him, but have always prayed for him, that God would completely heal his hurt and the pain he has experienced.

A lot of the time I wonder what is wrong with me. Pilots I have worked with have told me that I'm a catch, that I have a lot to offer, that's I'm beautiful, sweet, friendly....I have tried to pray and wait for the one I hope God has for me. Before I met Kevin, I told my mom that I could trust God in every other part of my life, but not to provide a life partner for me. Even though we had plenty of struggles, with Kevin I actually felt loved sometimes. For so long, I have felt so unloveable. Don't get me wrong, I am so blessed with my family and lots of amazing, supportive friends that I know love me dearly. But why can't a man love me? One night Kevin told me that I was so loveable....that he wished that I could see it. Then he told me that I made God smile. Can you imagine that? I can't imagine God actually delighting in me. Especially after this.

Every day I cry out to God to rescue me...to help me stop missing Kevin...to help me let go. I wish I could let go.

You know what though? I am blessed. I have a job that I LOVE. (Hey, I have a job!) I have lots of people who love me. Thanks to all of you who are such a big encouragement to me. I gotta get ready for work now....

Till next time....